Blog - Sober Crossroad

Life after Alcohol

I never could have imagined my life After Alcohol.

When I made the decision to quit drinking not only did I feel a sense of freedom and empowerment my brain jumped into overdrive. Ideas and inspiration began to arise everywhere I looked. Situations that were once overwhelming and stressful in the chaos I used to live seemed simple now that my brain was working efficiently, along with my memory improving ten fold I had clear access to my mind again. The head began to clear and those once trivial things like clouds and sunsets became immensely beautiful. It was as if I was seeing this world for the first time and in a way I was reborn.

A calm strength washed over me and I knew I was transcending into a new existence. My confidence began to grow to new heights, no longer artificially bolstered I gained new insight into who I actually am and what I actually like. After twelve years of addiction and subtle insanity, I had lost myself and merely took on a collection of other peoples personalities. I had no identity until I got sober and when I finally met myself for the first time I found enjoyment in my own company. The best part of my rebirth was gaining the strength and mental fortitude I tried to fake for so many drunken years.

No good for me

I have been in some bad relationships but alcohol was by far the most toxic . That term “Whats your poison?” Is pretty accurate and I drank a shit ton of poison. The first few weeks after I quit my body hurt down to the bones and I felt extremely sick because of all the damage I had done. Alcohol and all the unhealthy baggage that comes with drinking took its toll. After some time and effort I began to heal, that’s when I started to notice how great I really felt, that phrase “No pain no gain” holds true here. I sure don’t miss those hangovers, waking up with a head full of hornets and a belly full of acid.

My skin cleared up and people started to notice! Hearing “You look healthier” never got old, plus I knew It was true. Every part of my body just felt so much better. “and smelt much better” I still stink after a day of hard work but its no longer that foul unnatural stench. The troubling heart pains went away as my blood pressure dropped to a safe range, even those panic attacks that would strangle me for days slowly began to dissipate.

Freedom

Soon I began to wake up earlier feeling refreshed instead of miserable. The quality sleep brought new levels of energy and stamina, as you can imagine this had many positive benefits. Including the drive to work towards and accomplish goals I had been putting off for far to long. I started to figure out what I enjoy and had more time to pick up new interests and hobbies than ever before. I read countless soul nourishing books, began to write with passion once more, took up mountain biking, went camping, hiking and general adventure seeking. This was a time of immense grown for me, these memories and experiences stuck with me and continue to fuel my spirit and expand my imagination.

Profound love

Letting go of alcohol was not easy for me, at times it felt like I had lost the only thing I had ever loved… this feeling was pure insanity, especially with all the evidence and countless painful experiences I had put myself through during our relationship. Realizing my mind was working against me was almost a relief because it made the struggle seem slightly less insane. After the light bulb came on I saw that I had to search outside myself to find balance. With an open mind I reached out for help and was surprised to find support from my loved ones, they had always been there. My ego had blinded me, seeing it as strength but it turned out to be a weakness.

With time, perseverance and vigilance my reality started to shift and it hit me square between the ears. I had cast myself into exile, trading the instant gratification and oblivion of alcohol for the people I loved. The family and friends still clinging to a thread of hope and the man they once knew were paramount in order to start my transformation. I was not alone and I never had to be again, life needs life to exist and I am no exception.

New life

This is my new life, my new reality and I am very aware of how easy it would be to slip back into addiction. The hunger and reservations are no longer there but the awareness of my choices and mindset are the key for me to continue to grow in the right direction. I have to choose to be happy. This existence is true to myself and fulfilling beyond what I could have imagined. There are still hard days, weeks and months but they no longer break my spirit. The ability to mentally check myself and adjust my train of thought feels like a super power. Life is exciting again and I’m able to enjoy the little things that I used to take for granted.

All the stresses and emotions that come with being human are felt more than ever but now I know they don’t have power over me unless I allow them to. My connections with people have a depth and openness I only got a glimpse of while in the thralls of addiction. My mind and body feel more connected than ever before. I feel efficient like I’m starting to live up to my potential, striving and growing in that direction. I choose to be happy to be alive, happy with who I am and think with positivity to what the future holds.

A breaking point

I took some time off to center myself.

It has been some time since I have been on here, I took a break to center myself after some shit went down. During this hiatus I almost gave up on many things including this site… almost gave up before the dust settled but I’m back and my foundation has never been stronger. I will be posting without an editor and I apologize in advance for my grammatically sloppy way of writing. The formats and content of this space will be fluctuating and growing as I grow. Its to much to ask my loved ones to correct my long winded posts and It will free up my mind to focus on what is important to me. The heart of all this is to make a difference in lives torn apart by addiction. To help others open their minds, seek inner growth and hopefully find some peace.

Loosing sight of the goal

I made this site with hopes of helping others who struggle or have struggled with addiction. To make a positive impact in this life and to share my experience. My belief is that the true substance of this existence is connections and shared growth. I want to see those around me prosper and find peace. In between all the bravado and greed of this world humans just want to be happy. Happiness comes from many different perspectives but at its core a sense of well being and feeling “good”. My sober journey has lead me to mediation and mindfulness which has been life changing and has brought me a sense of well being and peace I have never known before. When I started creating this site I poured long hours into learning WordPress from scratch, writing and editing pages and posts. Having loved ones read and edit my first posts so that there weren’t a ton of grammar errors! Tweaking little appearances and making it look decent, spending so much time and energy towards something I wasn’t sure would even work out. Then the time came when it got up to a standard that I felt comfortable showing the internet, more than I had shared with most family members. Finally there it was online! My efforts and dreams became a reality, I had a website and hopefully I could make a difference in someone’s life.

Maybe I’m still in shock

Shortly after moving the site online my significant other told me she didn’t love me and that she didn’t want to be with me any longer. It wasn’t anything I could change and had to do with her past. This was a total side blow, I had no clue it was coming. My world was rocked and I lost all inspiration. Almost lost myself in grief and yes I did consider turning back to alcohol to numb and quiet the chaos in my head. The thought of drinking lasted a few days before I snapped out of self pity. I know with out a shred of doubt that while drinking might feel good for the first few hours it would take me back into that darkness. The consequences far out way the short term pleasure that alcohol gives. I am not willing to give up my life and the positive relationships I have now. The shock stayed with me for some time and my mind was a torrent of tormenting thoughts. (This can’t be happening!) I am the best person I’ve ever been and had put so much into our relationship. (How could she!) My mind was rebelling against reality, grief and depression set in and I was not happy. Misery and restless were my identity for weeks.

Quite a coincidence

Just when my thoughts were unbearable and emotions having their way with my body and mind, I received a book a day early. A book I had ordered to review for this site. The Happiness Trap – by Russ Harris. “I will be doing the review soon.” It had a profound impact on me and It was my first real glimpse into mindfulness. The fact that this book came a day early when I was at my wits end seemed to be a inconceivable coincidence. With mindfulness I started seeing instant results in mood and how emotions affected my body. There after, odd signs started to show up in my life… more like I started to notice these signs. Without being trapped in my own head all day this existence started to open up and my spiritual growth blossomed into something powerful. I have always said “To each their own” and believe that everyone should be free to have their own beliefs and opinions. Having an open outlook on this existence is healthy and promotes psychological flexibility. That being said I have been in touch with my higher power and things have been happening that cannot be coincidence. That grief and turmoil were not exactly what I wanted to go through but the outcome and experience has been life changing. Whether your mind deems a situation as “good” or “bad” is of little relevance in the entirety of our lives. This bad situation could just be the start of something life changing. Keep moving forward and focus on what you can do today, this moment right now is all we really have.

Stay vigilant my friends

A cure for addiction?

Wouldn’t that be. . . nice? Eh not really because the hard truth is, there is no magic pill for addiction and until scientists come up with something that can remap our brains, we are shit out of luck. The reality is I am my biggest problem, because I’d be thinking of how much I could drink if there was a pill that allowed me to drink like other people… well, except normal people “Not that there is such a thing as a normal person” don’t drink a half gallon of cheap rum on the daily.

Fork in the road

For me, sobriety is life or death. I am not willing to go out on my knees, begging for the anguish to end. I have been deep down in that rabbit hole of addiction and it was the hopeless reality I used to live. I was slowly dying and could only see the darkness and misery of my life. Alcohol and other drugs were at the center of my existence, they took priority over everything I loved. I lost myself and who I was, the substances were my friends and loved ones, they were a warm comforting blanket and a shield from the pain of this life.

Am i an Alcoholic?

How do I know if I’m an Alcoholic?

That is the million dollar question and my answer is, possibly. I cannot tell you if you’re an alcoholic –no one can– only you know that. The fact that you are asking might be a sign, but beyond that, you will have to decide. It may seem odd to phrase it as, “being an alcoholic is a choice“, but until you admit you have a drinking problem, there is little you or anyone else can do to help. Don’t compare yourself with how other people drink because alcohol abuse is socially acceptable in the main stream flock. Also you don’t need to burn your life to ashes to see that your drinking has continuously lead to problems. If the alcohol has become an issue, then just stop using it. If you have found that you cannot stop or that you can’t imagine life without alcohol… well, maybe it’s time to make a change?

“Technically alcohol is a solution but its the only solution that creates more problems.”

If you aren’t growing, you’re dying

What does that even mean?

This concept eluded me and for a long time I struggled to grasp what it meant when my mentor first slapped me with that phrase. I thought “well that’s a stupid saying of course you’re either growing or dying that’s what life is… Everything is either in a state of growth or decay.” What I didn’t realize, is that phrase encompassed everything in my existence and there was a deep meaning to his words. Hours of meditation finally revealed what it means to me: if I don’t keep moving forward on my quest for self knowledge and continue to grow spiritually, then I am slowly dying. I know when it’s happening, because something inside of me doesn’t feel quite right.