Wouldn’t that be. . . nice? Eh not really because the hard truth is, there is no magic pill for addiction and until scientists come up with something that can remap our brains, we are shit out of luck. The reality is I am my biggest problem, because I’d be thinking of how much I could drink if there was a pill that allowed me to drink like other people… well, except normal people “Not that there is such a thing as a normal person” don’t drink a half gallon of cheap rum on the daily.
The red pill
Drinking a half gallon of rum every day seemed perfectly normal to me at the time, hell there’s drunk people at the bar down the street and the neighbor would throw raging pool parties where everyone seemed to be getting Ham. My family and friends would drink at every opportunity, so why did it matter if I drank more than I knew was healthy or that I had unknowingly started to work my life around alcohol?
I used to think “Oh, I’m only hurting myself and it’s my body”, I didn’t realize how selfish it was to believe that my loved ones weren’t affected, as they watched me drown myself into an early grave. The concept of addiction being selfish was unknown to me until I got some sobriety time and my brain started to recover– I do believe your body (including brain) repair given sufficient time and nourishment. I have seen people make impossible transformations, people who I personally thought had wet brain, grow into functioning humans who contribute to life and are happy and healthy. What I’m getting at here is, there is a hell of a lot more to getting sober than quitting alcohol and other drugs. Accepting that I am not like the average drinker and can never safely or sanely intake alcohol was a hard notion to swallow.
… Are you there?
I don’t sugar coat how sick I am and I’m not here to tell you how you should live your life. However, if I can help just one person find hope and maybe, just maybe, they will “Get it” and live a happy sober life… Well, then I’m okay fumbling my way through this scary new website project.
This shit is hard and with almost two years of sobriety, at times I feel brittle. You know what I mean? Like something is just going to push me over the edge and I’m going to shatter into a thousand little pieces. I don’t know, maybe I’m the only one but I don’t believe that’s true.
Through my short time sober, I have met some amazing people who have been friends, guides and sober mentors. Without them, I might have returned to my state of decay, floating somewhere in between worlds. One a dream and the other a nightmare. I was on an axis with the bottle, it was my center for so long that when I got out of its gravity I was rocketed into a new existence.
“Addiction is your own personal hell and you are the gate keeper.”
I was amazed how smooth most of life went, when I stopped making important decisions while shitfaced. Honestly, who knew you could mow your lawn sober? That sounds boring as shit, right? Well yeah, life can still be a drag when you’re sober. Let’s face it life sucks ass sometimes. Everything changes and people hurt my feelings and that dick head cop wrote me a ticket. The list goes on and on, but here’s the thing, there is always going to be that one person or thing that is keeping you from being happy- If you let it. You have to let that shit go, whatever itis, it’s NOT worth the absolute torment that comes with drinking.
Listen, I understand addiction because I’m there with you. Don’t call me Frank but I’m going to be blunt… this is a lifetime thing. It fucking sucks that we lifeoholics can’t drink like normal people and that life just hasn’t played out like we thought it would. There isn’t a pill or secret treatment for this but there is hope!
Wake up…
There is happiness in your new life. The catch is, it’s inside you and only you can find the strength to grasp it, when you are at your lowest. I know what it’s like to feel alone, every second of every day even when you’re around loved ones or other people. The feeling of being buried alive and always at the edge of dread never really feeling okay inside.
Actually, I felt pretty terrible my first year of sobriety too. Mostly, because I am stubborn and egocentric by nature and my favorite response to everything back then was “oh I know”. Turns out, I don’t actually know much and looking back now- my perception was minuscule. Still I wouldn’t change my past if I could because those were lessons I needed to learn. My best teacher is pain and boy have I beat the shit out of myself.
“Where is this going?” You may be asking. Well, my ever curious nature leads me on some strange quests in the search for my own path and the path is getting steep which means the fall is a far greater risk. While I do get a lot from the 12 step program, it is only one of my tools in my tool belt and a reprieve from the outside world. Just be cautious not to become dependent on meetings to keep yourself happy and in turn create a new addiction. The 12 step program is not for everyone and no one can tell you your path but there is a lot of experience in those rooms. It couldn’t hurt and it might help. If you need some direction, look up local meetings HERE and check them out. It has worked for millions of people.
There are endless ways to get and stay sober and only you will know what’s right for you. I do recommend rehabs (I can only speak for outpatient), it’s what I needed to start my new life. Being around other people who had stories oddly similar to mine was comforting in a way. I was alone and afraid for so long that it was a way of life, my pride was killing me and I felt like an alien that never really fit in with humans. Then when I allowed my mind to open, I realized there were others who felt like I did and I was no longer alone on this planet.
The truth
When I decided to get out of my own way I could see that my substance abuse was just to cope and cover up my real problem, That’s when I knew I had begun to wake up . If you are sick and tired of your life, then do something about it, do some research and make a start. Get ready to let go of what you think you know, there is little room to grow if you cant let go of the pride and ego. There is no half ass-ing recovery and those that try do not find happiness in their new life. There are a lot of grants and scholarships for rehabs, go to the Resources page to learn more.
Find some good books on being mindful, eat some candy and make some relaxing tea. These all helped me tremendously in early recovery. Depending on where you’re at on your journey, consider seeing a therapist or start doing yoga. I started doing tai chi in the first year of my sobriety. Yes, I do look supremely ridiculous doing it, but that’s okay, I’ve learned to laugh at myself. It helps damnit!! I will do anything I have to, if it means not returning to who I used to be.
I have realized my impact on others and that most people are sick as well. Do the best you can and cut yourself and others some slack. That dick cop might have been going through a bad divorce or he might even struggle with drinking and/or drugging himself. You just never know what other people are going through.
It didn’t take me long to realize that almost all of “life” went on inside my head. The first time my buddy started telling me “Have a good day, if you want to“, I wanted to slap him, but with time I came to see that he meant I control my mood and how things affect me. Take a deep breath and pause instead of just reacting, it makes a huge difference. Yes, I use that line all the time now –thanks Simon. Life is a balancing act and sometimes it feels hopeless but there is always hope if you look for it.
Stay vigilant my friends and have a good day-if you want to!